Sexpert

‘Cunnilingus’. What a stupid word for such an awesome act. Makes mouth-to-cunt stimulation sound like some dodgy medical condition. When really, as most women will tell you, it’s one of the most intimate things you can do in the sack, not to mention a key to giving your bird mind-blowing orgasms. Yet like every sexual cornerstone, dining out on pussy requires a bit of thought and finesse. Do it right and you’ll enjoy the ultimate ‘get out of jail free’ card, but fuck it up, and you’re slam bang in the doghouse mate.

You see, us babes generally have a low opinion of our bloke’s oral power. Yeah, you might talk the talk, but when it comes to putting that tongue to proper use, you’re frequently self-centred, inconsiderate and generally a bit crap (though ladies, don’t feel smug, since we’re often equally as shit when it comes to giving good blow-jobs). Maybe it’s because guys sometimes see rug-munching as an inconvenient aperitif before the minge-stuffing main course, or perhaps it’s simply uneducated bewilderment or puppyish over-excitement. Whatever the reason, slobbering and sliming over a vag like a drunken slug is not going to have your chick climbing the walls in ecstasy. Just ask any lesbian.

First things first though, we need to discuss the darker side of the subject i.e. the bit that makes many females wince. The fact is, women tend to get paranoid about their intimate aromas – a largely negative irrationality that’s been made worse by Neanderthal bollocks about pussies smelling like fish. In truth, a healthy, spunk-free and freshly washed snatch does not have a scent like Billingsgate Market. Instead, it’s all warm and musky, and tastes that way too. Yet still, one of the first things a bird thinks about when a bloke sticks his head between her legs is ‘do I smell okay?’ Which can tense her up and stop her from really letting go. Consequently, the most crucial piece of advice for oral sex is to make your honey feel confident and comfortable. So tell her you love licking her out. Tell her she tastes wonderful. And say it as though you mean it.

It’s true that fanny flavour can be unusual, which is why sex shops sell lickable potions that you can dribble on her bits. But if you’re not into her enough to accept her natural aroma, then frankly you shouldn’t be fucking her at all. Having said that, melted chocolate, whipped cream and ice-cream can all make oral feel a bit naughtier. Just remember they’re cherries on the cake, not masking devices, and always ensure her quim’s sugar-free afterwards to prevent yeast infections.

When it comes to technique, don’t be too literal. It might be called ‘eating out’ but you’re a love machine, not a cannibal! Which means biting is completely verboten, as is noisily slurping and covering her groin with saliva. Spit may be a natural lubricant, but too much of it just gets cold and unpleasant, and is a real turn-off. Besides, if you take time to stimulate her properly, her fanny will produce its own juices, which work much better than even shop-bought lube to ease friction and make her even more responsive to your touch.

What you actually do with your mouth depends on how ticklish or sensitive your bird is. Generally speaking, any actions will work better if you vary your movements to tease her and slowly build sexual tension. Holding her pussy lips open as far as is comfortable, alternate between slow and fast licks, lapping between her cunt and clit and back again. Plunge your tongue into her hole (or holes, depending on how adventurous you both are) and wiggle it about, exploring her insides. Breathe hot air onto her clit, then trace your tongue around it using light, flickering strokes, and gradually increasing the pressure as you move. By lavishing attention on her nerve-rich lovebud – maybe even by spelling out words with your tongue on it – there’s more chance of her cumming. If she’s really horny, sucking very gently on her clit, pulling it into your mouth and then releasing it, will drive her crazy. However, ensure that you’ve read her body language right – madly thrusting hips could be a sign of annoyance, not encouragement. But the biggest mistake blokes make is thinking that oral sex is purely about gob action. As with good fellatio skills, the addition of fingers to the equation can make all the difference – speeding up her orgasms for you fellas who get bored easily. So as you chow down on her clit, finger-fuck her too. Then – providing it turns her on – offer her your digits to suck clean. You could also gently vibrate your middle finger on her clit or get her to masturbate while you lick. Don’t neglect her nipples either, as stroking them as you slurp is a real babe-pleaser.

Sex toys, such as butt plugs and dildos, can be lots of fun during oral too, though please discuss it beforehand as extreme surprises will get you kicked out of bed! Whether using fingers or plastic, though, don’t put anything you’ve had in your babe’s arse in her vag or mouth. Yes, I know they do it constantly in pornos, but this is the real world and the transference of faecal bacteria can cause a nasty infection.

Ultimately, not every girl can cum from oral, so don’t feel useless or resentful if yours doesn’t. Giving head is not purely about producing an orgasm, it’s also about making your partner feel sexy, relaxed and uninhibited. Be patient and show her you’re enjoying it, and you’ll have your cock buried in her faster than a rat up a drainpipe. Now isn’t that worth a little extra oral TLC?

Originally published im MensWorld Volume 19 Issue 2